I hope you enjoy this list. We will be updating it as they happen.

-We can’t do school until your brush your hair. Don’t say anything. Yes, you need to brush it. Yes, I know where your brush is. It’s behind the couch with all my yarn. No, I will not get it for you.

-Naked bums do not belong on chairs.

-Get off your brother’s donkey, you know it makes him cry.

-Coloring the treadmill is a “no no”.

-Don’t step in the pee. DON’T SPLASH IN THE PEE!

-I can’t hear you, I’m sleeping.

-On a scale of fish to zebra, what goes best with pigs?

-Don’t eat food off your sock!

-You need to wear pants to body slam.

-Get your foot off the applesauce!

-Do NOT wipe your face on your cousin!

-Did you really just stab your brother with a trident?

-You can’t have any more apples until you eat your chicken and fries.

-No, that’s not Jesus. That’s Obi Wan Kenobi.

W: Why is my pillow askew?
Me: Well… a small person might have used it…
W: Uh huh…
Me: And a somewhat larger person…
W: Yeah?
Me: And a very, very small person might have used it too…
W: *looks at his pillow* Slut.
Me: Wow, did you just call your pillow a slut?
W: Well, if the pillowcase fits…
Me: I think the pillowcase fits all standard pillows.
W: Yeah, and they’ll sleep with anyone.

-I am not a pastry. And neither is your brother.
-Potties don’t have seatbelts.
-Eat your food, not eyeballs.
-Nobody likes hairy chocolate.
-Please don’t squeeze your ham.
-Leave your brother’s elbows alone!
-I thought I saw you drop that cheese.
-Give me your face. Give me your face!
-You can’t have anymore fruit salad until you eat your pizza.
-No, you don’t have enough time to run around naked.
-Please don’t lick that, I just cleaned it.
-If you don’t eat your sandwich, you can’t sweep the floor.
-Your brother is not a potato.
-Come on little kangaroo/baby mouse/jumping slug/little kitty/etc, I’ll race you to the potty. (Yes, jumping slug)
-We can’t do anything fun until you have clothes on.
-Dancing will not make your pants grow bigger.
-Please don’t try to fly on the steps.
-You can’t ride the hippo unless you have pants on.
-Where in the world did you put your underwear?
-If you don’t put your shoes on, we’re going to leave you here. Alone. With the cat.

2 Responses to Parent-isms

  1. Camille says:

    This is such a great list! You got me laughing this morning. I have a list like this somewhere in bits and pieces. I ought to put it together like you have! Love it!

  2. Gina says:

    I just love these. I wish I had thought to do this when my kids were small. This list is priceless.

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